Dear Ryan

Dear Ryan,

Happy Birthday Sweet Baby Boy!  I cannot believe it has been five years since the day you were born.  I am amazed at how raw the pain of loosing you continues to be.  While there are some details that are beginning to be get fuzzy {the smell of the hospital room, the feeling of the contractions, the weight of you in my arms} the pain just doesn't seem to be going away.  The deep, heart wrenching pain that brings me to tears whenever I think about you is still so fresh...so profound...so real.

Perhaps, it is in part, because you represented the beginning...the beginning of the sweet, little family that your Daddy and I had planned.  We had amazing hope for us, for our future, and for our family.  God, however, had a different plan for our lives. 

The pain I am feeling today, while it surely is a longing to hold you in my arms, it is also the pain of admitting that we are probably at the end.  You see, your Daddy and I have had three miscarriages this past year.  Our attempts at growing our family and giving Noah a little brother or sister have not worked out.  I am painfully and tearfully admitting that God's plan for our family is sovereign and I am humbly submitting to Him. 

I miss you each and every day, Sweet Boy, and pray for all of our Angle Babies in Heaven.  Rest assured that my love and longing for you have not waned over these past five years.  I promise to take good care of your little brother and continue to tell him all about you.  Happy Birthday!

Love,

Mama