Friday, October 16, 2009

Dear Ryan,

Dear Ryan,

As I sit here today, thinking about what has happened over these past two years since you were born, I am amazed how much is still fresh in my mind.

I remember the day Daddy and I found out we were pregnant with you. It was the last day of school and I took the pregnancy test when I came home from work. We were both so very excited to be pregnant and couldn't wait to tell everyone.

I remember going to the doctor's office for the first time and hearing your heartbeat. It was sweet music to my ears.

I remember having our detailed ultrasound at 20 weeks and the technician was not saying anything. She seemed very quiet and I chalked it up to a stoic personality.

I remember getting the call from my OB a few days later, while making copies at Kinko's. He explained that my ultrasound revealed low amniotic fluid and he wanted me to see a high-risk OB and have a detailed ultrasound. I immediately ran out to my car and broke down in tears.

I remember the day that Daddy and I went in for the detailed ultrasound. I took the day off work and spend the morning drinking as much water as I could thinking I could help you.

I remember laying on the table, holding Daddy's hand, and hearing the words, "your child has no kidneys". I could not believe this was happening to us. I had done everything I was supposed to do while pregnant - eating the right foods, taking my vitamins, reading all the books - and yet this was happening to me...to us...to you.

I remember the waiting. Waiting for you to be born. I remember the fear and the anticipation. What would it be like to give birth? What would you look like? How big would you be? How would I feel? What would we do?

I remember driving to the hospital thinking this would be the day. Daddy was so wonderful and strong. He knew exactly when I needed him to cry with me and when I needed him to carry me.

I remember the pain. At 2:00 a.m. I felt as though I could not take the labor anymore. I woke Daddy up and told him to call the nurse. At first I thought I would need an epidural but then I realized that you were coming.

I remember the feeling of you being born. In one instant, at 2:10 a.m., the pain of childbirth was gone and the pain of loosing you was beginning.

I remember how precious and beautiful you were. The nurse put you in my arms and I saw your tiny heart beating. I felt such love and peace as I held you gently. All of my fears and anger vanished when I looked at you.

I remember Daddy taking pictures of you and I, so that we would never forget...as if we ever could. Your tiny pink fingers wrapped around your umbilical clip and your cute round cheeks almost forming a smile.

I remember the last time I saw your little heart beat through your small chest. I knew your brief time here on Earth was over and that you were now in a better place.

I remember coming home from the hospital with empty arms. We were given a bear, Ryan Bear, to help ease that pain, but it did very little.

I remember having to go to the funeral home and make the arrangements for your cremation. I could not fathom you being buried somewhere all alone. I needed you to be at home, with your Mama and Daddy, where you belonged.

Daddy and I miss you so very much and would do anything to have you back in our arms. I would love for you to meet your little brother, Noah, and to have the opportunity to play with him. Every day as I look at your urn and the pictures of you on my dresser, I think about you, miss you, and say a little prayer for you. I know that God has a perfect plan for you, for me, for Daddy and for Noah. I know that you have touched so many lives during your own short time here on Earth. I will never forget those amazing people who helped Daddy and I through the pain of loosing you. You are my little peanut and I love you so very much. Happy Birthday!

Love,

Mama

9 comments:

  1. God has blessed and challenged you and Kc with the responsiblity to be an inspiration to so many people. People you may never even meet. You have accepted that responsibility, however unwanted!, with grace, dignity, humility and an overpowering sense of God's divine hand. I weep at your letter to Ryan in remembering that time. We will all remember him and the part he played in God's plan for your lives. He was a gift that remained on earth for only a short time but will remain in the hearts of many forever.

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  2. I weep with you as I read, knowing that you must have wept as you wrote. I remember the tears and weight of it all as it happened. The journey that ended in a way that no one wanted it to. I echo my mother's words that you have been so inspirational through this journey and have embraced the ministry that was chosen for you. I love you both, my nephew who has stayed with us, and my nephew who did not. Hugs to all.

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  3. Ryan is forever in our hearts! Thank you for sharing your memories and thoughts about your "little peanut" with us. With much love, prayer, and gratitude...

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  5. We still ache with the loss of Ryan. Time helps, but doesn't fix everything. As I read, it brought fresh memories of that time. We are all so very thankful to have you in our lives and wish we could have had more time with Ryan. Thank you again for sharing and inviting us to come along side your journey.

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  6. Beautiful letter. Thanks so much for sharing. You guys are inspirational.

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  7. RYAN... the name I was hoping to use for your Daddy's first name but Grandpa had other plans and so we named your Dad Casey Ryan Jackson. Ryan was always a special name to us. It means "little king". We wish we could have met you Ryan. I have no doubt that we will meet you someday in heaven where you will just have to show us around in stead of us showing you around here down on earth. I know you are safe but oh how our hearts ached when you had to go so soon!
    We love you dear grandson!
    Grandma & Grandpa Jackson

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  8. Such a sweet letter. Thank you for sharing. What comfort you must have knowing that he is in the arms of Jesus.

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  9. God bless you both on this special day!
    Yes, you both are such inspirations to all of us. Thanks for sharing your joys and your heart-aches with us.

    Cousin Sue in PHX

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