Dear Ryan

Dear Ryan,

Happy Birthday Sweet Baby Boy!  I cannot believe it has been five years since the day you were born.  I am amazed at how raw the pain of loosing you continues to be.  While there are some details that are beginning to be get fuzzy {the smell of the hospital room, the feeling of the contractions, the weight of you in my arms} the pain just doesn't seem to be going away.  The deep, heart wrenching pain that brings me to tears whenever I think about you is still so fresh...so profound...so real.

Perhaps, it is in part, because you represented the beginning...the beginning of the sweet, little family that your Daddy and I had planned.  We had amazing hope for us, for our future, and for our family.  God, however, had a different plan for our lives. 

The pain I am feeling today, while it surely is a longing to hold you in my arms, it is also the pain of admitting that we are probably at the end.  You see, your Daddy and I have had three miscarriages this past year.  Our attempts at growing our family and giving Noah a little brother or sister have not worked out.  I am painfully and tearfully admitting that God's plan for our family is sovereign and I am humbly submitting to Him. 

I miss you each and every day, Sweet Boy, and pray for all of our Angle Babies in Heaven.  Rest assured that my love and longing for you have not waned over these past five years.  I promise to take good care of your little brother and continue to tell him all about you.  Happy Birthday!

Love,

Mama

Heartbreaking

Sorry for the lack of blogging lately, but, if you follow us on Facebook, you already know a bit of the reason why.

Shortly before Thanksgiving, Kc and I were thrilled to find out that we were pregnant...again.  We could not believe that God had blessed us with our third child. 

At our six week ultrasound we were able to see our precious little baby and watch their tiny little heart flutter away.  It was beating at a very strong one hundred fourteen beats per minutes.  What a miracle! 

Because of some very early chromosomal testing, we knew that our Little One was very healthy...and that our Little One did not have Fraser Syndrome...and that our Little One was a girl.  We were beyond ecstatic!

On Monday, we were scheduled four our nine week ultrasound.  We were instantly amazed at how much she had grown in just a few short weeks.  We were quickly devastated, however, when the doctor could not find her heartbeat.  She searched and searched and searched, and yet nothing.  The heart that should have been beating at one hundred fifty beats per minute was mysteriously silent.

The drive home from the doctor's office was agonizing.  All the memories and feelings of our final ultrasound with Ryan came flooding back.  Knowing the exact moment when your heart literally breaks inside your chest is perhaps one of the most painful things we have had to go through...again.

Today, Kc and I are celebrating our fifth wedding anniversary.

Can you believe it?!?
Five years?!?
Wow, five years?!?
Only five years!?!

We seem to have gone through so much in the past five years.

Shortly after we lost Ryan, a friend told me that everything you go through as a couple will either bring you closer together or drive you further apart.  No marriage is ever stagnant, she told me, it is always moving...it is our jobs to decide in which direction it is moving.

Well...I cannot imaging walking this road without my Amazing Husband.  He is my rock, confidant, partner, joy, lover, and best friend.  The joys and sorrows of these past five years have truly drawn us closer to each other, as well as to our God.  And while our hearts are broken, they are broken together.

I love you Babe!
Happy Anniversary!